Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark: Review

Seriously, don't.

Disclaimer: This is a snarky recap review in screenshot format. Thusly, "Thar be spoilers."

Title	Don't Be Afraid of the Dark
Studio	Miramax Films
Director	Troy Nixey
Starring	Guy Pearce, Katie Holmes
Genre	Horror
Rating	R
Release Year	(2011)

Oh boy! Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark is a remake of a beloved 70′s made-for-teevee-movie, following a young girl sent off to live with her father and his girlfriend or something. Obviously, things go downhill from there. Let’s dive in…

[Guy Pearce] Hi, I’m Guy Pearce and I play the father. Clearly, this is going to be a great film.

[Katie Holmes] Hi, I’m Katie Holmes, and… oh, who am I kidding. This is going to be a terrible film.

[Little Girl] Gotta have mah’ Go-Go Juice.

[Creepy Gardener] I SEE YOU BROUGHT A LITTLE GIRL WITH YOU. YOU KNOW, IT’S DANGEROUS FOR CHILDREN AROUND HERE.

[Guy Pearce] See the amount of fucks I give?

[Creepy Gardener] AYY GIRL AYY.

[Little Girl] Fuck off, Pedo.

[Katie Holmes] There used to be bird poop all over this place – like everywhere. I’m not even kidding. I’m being serious right now.

[Guy Pearce] Sorry, one second guys. I need to text my agent and tell him he’s fired.

[Little Girl] Oh look, it’s a creepy statue. Better touch it.

[Little Girl] Oh look, it’s a totally natural circle of mushrooms. Better step in it.

[Creepy Gardener] HEH HEH. I GOT ME A LITTLE GIRL.

[Guy Pearce] Dude. What the fuck.

[Creepy Gardener] HODOR?

[Little Girl] Guys, I found a creepy basement. Better check it out.

[Guy Pearce] A creepy hidden basement you say? Hang on, let me get a sledgehammer.

[Katie Holmes] What, bust a hole in the staircase of this house we’ve sunk everything we own into restoring over the past two years? You’re so Alpha right now, I think my sweater’s gonna take itself off.

[Guy Pearce] Oh look, it’s a door so creepy that someone hid it behind a wall. Better go inside.

[Little Girl] You truly are my father.

[Creepy Gardener] YOU ARE ALL STUPID AND ARE PROBABLY GOING TO DIE.

[Little Girl] Oh look, it’s a tightly bolted up furnace whispering my name. Better get a wrench and open it.

[Little Girl] Huh. That last one came off all by itself. Oh well. Better stick my head inside.

[Little Girl] What are these, peanuts?

[Little Girl] Oh look, human teeth. That’s normal. Better stick one in my pocket.

[Creepy Gardener] OH HI. SO NICE TO SEE YOU DOWN IN THIS BASEMENT HERE.

[Little Girl] You are by far much creepier than whatever’s down here.

[Tooth Faeries] fReEdOm!!

[Creepy Gardener] THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO WAY I COULD HAVE SEEN THIS COMING.

[Old Lady] Good Heavens! You’ve got red on you.

[Creepy Gardener] MY EVERYTHING HURTS.

[Little Girl] So… does this mean the faeries don’t want to be friends?

[Little Girl] Everything is terrible! Better start bonding with my pseudo-stepmother.

[Katie Holmes] This is my career now, isn’t it.

[Little Girl] Mom, I want to go home. Dad’s a jerk and faeries are trying to eat me.

[Real Mom] That’s real nice hunny, but I’ve got to get back to this “Yay My Daughter’s Gone” party. Kisses!

[Little Girl] Alright, something just smashed my lamp. It was you, wasn’t it Teddy?

[Little Girl] Okay, Teddy’s in the clear, and now something’s under my covers. Better check it out head first.

[Tooth Faeries] iT sUrE iS wArM hErE, uNdEr YoUr BlAnKeT.

[Little Girl] Not okay. I know, I’ll tell Daddy – he’ll believe me!

[Random Psychologist] Bad news, your daughter’s cray. I recommend drugging her heavily.

[Katie Holmes] My stepmother sense is tingling…

[Katie Holmes] I really think something is going on here, Guy.

[Guy Pearce] Do you see the amount of fucks I give right now?

[Katie Holmes] Whatever. I’ve got this.

[Katie Holmes] Hey there, uh. I’ve been meaning to ask – how did those scissors end up in your back?

[Creepy Gardener] LADY I AM BASICALLY DEAD. GO TO THE LIBRARY AND READ A BOOK.

[Katie Holmes] But don’t they do that in like every horror mystery? Alright, okay, I’m going…

[Legit Librarian] You’re looking for a librarian? I’m a librarian. No, really. You can tell because of the glasses.

[Katie Holmes] Sounds legit. Okay, uhm, I’m looking for a book on this house that-

[Legit Librarian] Oh yeah, I’ve got that one right here. Yeah, I’m kind of an expert on these things and know the entire history of exactly what you’re looking for – no big deal. Look, lady. You’ve got a tooth faerie infestation. They eat kids’ teeth. Kind of like Pepsi.

[Tooth Faeries] hEy GiRl. lEmMe SeE tHoSe TeEtH.

[Katie Holmes] Oh yeah, that makes sense.

[Little Girl] I has a Camera.

[Guy Pearce] I welcome you all to my lovely and not at all creepy home. Please ignore my daughter. She does not like parties. She does not really like anything, in fact.

[Little Girl] I has a Picture.

[Little Girl] Noooo they be stealin’ my Picture.

[Tooth Faeries] We SaId NoT tO tAg Us On FaCeBoOk. WhO dOeS tHaT.

[Little Girl] lol, this one’s going on myspace.

[Tooth Faeries] yOu hAvE lOsT yOuR cAmErA pRiVilEgEs.

[Little Girl] Noooo they be stealin’ my Camera.

[Little Girl] I see Faerie People.

[Guy Pearce] There’s actually nothing but your face in this picture, but okay.

[Guy Pearce] Well, I now believe in faeries, apparently. I guess it’s about time to blow this moneypit popsicle stand, wouldn’t you say?

[Katie Holmes] I totally agree. But let’s all split up first, because that’s always goes well.

[Guy Pearce] I wish this was a TV remote so I could put on a good movie that I’m in. There’s lots of them, I promise.

[Tooth Faeries] HeH, wE’vE gOt A fOoT.

[Guy Pearce] This should incapacitate me just long enough to be completely useless for the rest of the movie.

[Katie Holmes] I’m so glad we split up. Now I’m lying at the bottom of the stairs with a concussion.

[Tooth Faeries] NoOo, StAy WiTh Us AnD pLaY.

[Little Girl] fml

[Katie Holmes] Oww…

[Little Girl] I don’t belive in faeries! I don’t believe in faeries! This is all your fault, Tinkerbell!

[Katie Holmes] Ha! In college, I was the Tug of War team champion. I’ve got this!

[Katie Holmes] Well, that backfired a little. I guess this is it then. You know, I could have been in The Dark Knight - but no, I chose Mad Money instead. And now I’m assway down a furnace, about to be dragged to who-knows-where and devoured by tooth faeries or some shit. AND NO ONE EVEN CARES.

[Guy Pearce] Ah… I should probably go after her, but… I kind of swore off crawling down dark holes populated by evil things, so…

[Little Girl] Solid choice, Daddy.

[Guy Pearce] Well, we’re back. You know, for old times sake.

[Little Girl] Yep, back to this awful house where your girlfriend was probably dismembered piece by piece by little tiny faerie people. Better go inside.

[Guy Pearce] I’m just glad no one noticed Katie was gone. Seriously, I don’t think the jury would have bought, “Tooth Faeries ate her.”

[Guy Pearce] Alright house, we’re leaving for good this time. Try not to eat too many children! Or grownups… which – about that – oh, never mind.