Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark: Review
Disclaimer: This is a snarky recap review in screenshot format. Thusly, "Thar be spoilers."
|Title||Don't Be Afraid of the Dark|
|Starring||Guy Pearce, Katie Holmes|
Oh boy! Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark is a remake of a beloved 70′s made-for-teevee-movie, following a young girl sent off to live with her father and his girlfriend or something. Obviously, things go downhill from there. Let’s dive in…
[Guy Pearce] Hi, I’m Guy Pearce and I play the father. Clearly, this is going to be a great film.
[Katie Holmes] Hi, I’m Katie Holmes, and… oh, who am I kidding. This is going to be a terrible film.
[Little Girl] Gotta have mah’ Go-Go Juice.
[Creepy Gardener] I SEE YOU BROUGHT A LITTLE GIRL WITH YOU. YOU KNOW, IT’S DANGEROUS FOR CHILDREN AROUND HERE.
[Guy Pearce] See the amount of fucks I give?
[Little Girl] Fuck off, Pedo.
[Katie Holmes] There used to be bird poop all over this place – like everywhere. I’m not even kidding. I’m being serious right now.
[Guy Pearce] Sorry, one second guys. I need to text my agent and tell him he’s fired.
[Little Girl] Oh look, it’s a creepy statue. Better touch it.
[Little Girl] Oh look, it’s a totally natural circle of mushrooms. Better step in it.
[Creepy Gardener] HEH HEH. I GOT ME A LITTLE GIRL.
[Guy Pearce] Dude. What the fuck.
[Creepy Gardener] HODOR?
[Little Girl] Guys, I found a creepy basement. Better check it out.
[Guy Pearce] A creepy hidden basement you say? Hang on, let me get a sledgehammer.
[Katie Holmes] What, bust a hole in the staircase of this house we’ve sunk everything we own into restoring over the past two years? You’re so Alpha right now, I think my sweater’s gonna take itself off.
[Guy Pearce] Oh look, it’s a door so creepy that someone hid it behind a wall. Better go inside.
[Creepy Gardener] YOU ARE ALL STUPID AND ARE PROBABLY GOING TO DIE.
[Little Girl] Oh look, it’s a tightly bolted up furnace whispering my name. Better get a wrench and open it.
[Little Girl] Huh. That last one came off all by itself. Oh well. Better stick my head inside.
[Little Girl] What are these, peanuts?
[Little Girl] Oh look, human teeth. That’s normal. Better stick one in my pocket.
[Creepy Gardener] OH HI. SO NICE TO SEE YOU DOWN IN THIS BASEMENT HERE.
[Little Girl] You are by far much creepier than whatever’s down here.
[Tooth Faeries] fReEdOm!!
[Creepy Gardener] THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO WAY I COULD HAVE SEEN THIS COMING.
[Creepy Gardener] MY EVERYTHING HURTS.
[Little Girl] So… does this mean the faeries don’t want to be friends?
[Little Girl] Everything is terrible! Better start bonding with my pseudo-stepmother.
[Katie Holmes] This is my career now, isn’t it.
[Little Girl] Mom, I want to go home. Dad’s a jerk and faeries are trying to eat me.
[Real Mom] That’s real nice hunny, but I’ve got to get back to this “Yay My Daughter’s Gone” party. Kisses!
[Little Girl] Alright, something just smashed my lamp. It was you, wasn’t it Teddy?
[Little Girl] Okay, Teddy’s in the clear, and now something’s under my covers. Better check it out head first.
[Tooth Faeries] iT sUrE iS wArM hErE, uNdEr YoUr BlAnKeT.
[Little Girl] Not okay. I know, I’ll tell Daddy – he’ll believe me!
[Random Psychologist] Bad news, your daughter’s cray. I recommend drugging her heavily.
[Katie Holmes] My stepmother sense is tingling…
[Katie Holmes] I really think something is going on here, Guy.
[Guy Pearce] Do you see the amount of fucks I give right now?
[Katie Holmes] Whatever. I’ve got this.
[Katie Holmes] Hey there, uh. I’ve been meaning to ask – how did those scissors end up in your back?
[Creepy Gardener] LADY I AM BASICALLY DEAD. GO TO THE LIBRARY AND READ A BOOK.
[Katie Holmes] But don’t they do that in like every horror mystery? Alright, okay, I’m going…
[Legit Librarian] You’re looking for a librarian? I’m a librarian. No, really. You can tell because of the glasses.
[Katie Holmes] Sounds legit. Okay, uhm, I’m looking for a book on this house that-
[Legit Librarian] Oh yeah, I’ve got that one right here. Yeah, I’m kind of an expert on these things and know the entire history of exactly what you’re looking for – no big deal. Look, lady. You’ve got a tooth faerie infestation. They eat kids’ teeth. Kind of like Pepsi.
[Tooth Faeries] hEy GiRl. lEmMe SeE tHoSe TeEtH.
[Katie Holmes] Oh yeah, that makes sense.
[Little Girl] I has a Camera.
[Guy Pearce] I welcome you all to my lovely and not at all creepy home. Please ignore my daughter. She does not like parties. She does not really like anything, in fact.
[Little Girl] I has a Picture.
[Little Girl] Noooo they be stealin’ my Picture.
[Tooth Faeries] We SaId NoT tO tAg Us On FaCeBoOk. WhO dOeS tHaT.
[Little Girl] lol, this one’s going on myspace.
[Tooth Faeries] yOu hAvE lOsT yOuR cAmErA pRiVilEgEs.
[Little Girl] Noooo they be stealin’ my Camera.
[Little Girl] I see Faerie People.
[Guy Pearce] There’s actually nothing but your face in this picture, but okay.
[Guy Pearce] Well, I now believe in faeries, apparently. I guess it’s about time to blow this moneypit popsicle stand, wouldn’t you say?
[Katie Holmes] I totally agree. But let’s all split up first, because that’s always goes well.
[Guy Pearce] I wish this was a TV remote so I could put on a good movie that I’m in. There’s lots of them, I promise.
[Tooth Faeries] HeH, wE’vE gOt A fOoT.
[Guy Pearce] This should incapacitate me just long enough to be completely useless for the rest of the movie.
[Katie Holmes] I’m so glad we split up. Now I’m lying at the bottom of the stairs with a concussion.
[Tooth Faeries] NoOo, StAy WiTh Us AnD pLaY.
[Little Girl] fml
[Katie Holmes] Oww…
[Little Girl] I don’t belive in faeries! I don’t believe in faeries! This is all your fault, Tinkerbell!
[Katie Holmes] Ha! In college, I was the Tug of War team champion. I’ve got this!
[Katie Holmes] Well, that backfired a little. I guess this is it then. You know, I could have been in The Dark Knight - but no, I chose Mad Money instead. And now I’m assway down a furnace, about to be dragged to who-knows-where and devoured by tooth faeries or some shit. AND NO ONE EVEN CARES.
[Guy Pearce] Ah… I should probably go after her, but… I kind of swore off crawling down dark holes populated by evil things, so…
[Little Girl] Solid choice, Daddy.
[Guy Pearce] Well, we’re back. You know, for old times sake.
[Little Girl] Yep, back to this awful house where your girlfriend was probably dismembered piece by piece by little tiny faerie people. Better go inside.
[Guy Pearce] I’m just glad no one noticed Katie was gone. Seriously, I don’t think the jury would have bought, “Tooth Faeries ate her.”
[Guy Pearce] Alright house, we’re leaving for good this time. Try not to eat too many children! Or grownups… which – about that – oh, never mind.